I wannas sexs uuuuu
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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