Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
