I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
