The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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