The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
