Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
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