that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
