i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
