I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I miss vodka workout Fridays
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
