yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I'm passing your future prison.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
