I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
