if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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