someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
