Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
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