I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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