Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
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