as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Drunk is a universal language darling
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize