New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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