He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
