I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
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