Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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