I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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