party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I would ride that face into the sunset
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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