I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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