life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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