Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
