Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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