I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
