Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
