I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
