Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
