I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
