he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
