im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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