I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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