My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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