i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
