I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
