Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
