Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
