I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
