Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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