he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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