Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
