Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
