I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
