Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
