Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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