even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
