I just pynch a tree in the face
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
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