Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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