make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
