If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
vagina is talking i cant
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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