No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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