a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
