I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
