My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
