Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
