i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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