Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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