Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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