Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Randomize
