Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
