The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
