I feel like abortions should bother me more
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
my poor anus
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
